My Private Journal: Seoul, April 2019

I’ve been writing a journal for the past two years. It’s dramatically helped me discover what I value to understand myself better.

Lately, I’ve started sharing excerpts from my journal. Although I felt weary of sharing private details at first, I’ve become braver because I feel that it’s these same details, moments of pain, desire, anger, that make me human. Readers can somewhat relate. I’ve also discovered that reviewing my journal allows me to recall struggles, and how I dealt with them. And believe me, there are many. I hope that by publishing my thoughts and processes of figuring things out, you’ll also be encouraged to write a journal too.

Mon. April 1^st, 2019

I’m grateful I reconnected with Don Macdonall. He’s a wealth of knowledge and I’m so grateful to know him. I’m excited to potentially help him with some project, and also help Jean Marie, too. I love that I’m filling my life with supportive, talented people.

Tues. April 2^nd, 2019

I joined my work colleagues last night, stayed too late, but should have left earlier. I’ve decided that before agreeing to join people who I don’t [always] have much in common with […], I should decide on a [leaving] time beforehand. [I don’t value drinking ‘fun’ anymore].

Thurs. April 4^th, 2019

I’m so grateful for…

The mentors I listen to every morning that give me strength to keep pursuing my goals. My willingness to learn new ways to change my morning routine and add variation. My habit of going to sleep at a regular time which helps me sleep well and avoid getting sick.

Sunday April 7^th, 2019

I’m grateful for my conversation with Jean Marie. He talked about how I can create documentaries in India, [content], and the angles from which to video scenes. I’m so grateful to have [had] that one-on-one time with him. He essentially reminded me of my dream to [shoot] documentaries, like the kind I saw [recorded in] Dharavi.

Mantras:

• There are great things coming to me now!
• I am a successful YouTuber now!
• I create amazing content now!
• I attract my perfect lover now!
• I am enough now!
• I am beautiful now!
• I am an infinite being capable of anything.
• I am not bound to my past.
• I am worthy.
• I am deserving.

My Ideal Relationship

• He loves travel and wants to see the world.
• We spend at least 30 minutes per day enjoying quality/focused time.
• I am attracted to him sexually, attracted to his heart, and [attracted] to his brain.
• He loves animals.
• He loves and respects himself and others.
• He is affectionate.
• [He] supports my passions and life goals.

I need to get creative with my B-Roll, and get very deliberate about what I say in my videos, particularly in the early stages of building my audience. I love what Gabriel Traveler does, but for me, even better than that is creating documentaries telling other people’s stories.

Mantras by Wendy Morgan that I love:

• Free your mind from hatred
• Free your mind from worries.
• Life simply.
• Give more.
• Expect less.
• Attitude is a decision.

What’s something I can do right now to improve my life immediately?

• Take control of my evenings by ending [all video edits and social media shares/interactions] at 11pm, and having the last two hours to myself every night.
• Find an abundance hypnosis to play at bed time that I love.

Things that I did awesome this week

• I apologized to Briggette about being pissy when I was disappointed that […] friends didn’t want to attend the photo-shoot.
• I learned to expect less of people.
• I had my first proper ‘couple’ shoot and enjoyed it very much. It felt pretty awkward because I’m slightly attracted to * We were looking at each other’s lips, and we kept laughing [when the other person was seriously looking at the camera]. Patt exclaimed that he saw a flirty something between us. I had so much fun.

Tues. April 9^th, 2019

Yesterday, I actually appreciated my brain, my positive attitude […] when *[friend] said something about the reality of living with ourselves as partners as not being that great, I felt like I disagreed with him. I feel like I’m a fun, happy and inspiring person to be around, and that I am a great person to live with. I’m loving and hard-working, and upbeat about 80% of the time!

Today, I am grateful for my lack of addiction to alcohol or cigarettes but rather [addicted] to making progress as a videographer and presenter and my commitment to do what gives me happiness full time.

I love me. I love my work ethic. I deserve the life I’m building. I’m worthy of it.

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That's right. Life is beautiful, and there are so many things to smile about. Three things to be grateful for: You woke up this morning and you are still alive. You have a mini computer that connects you to rest of the world. You may have even discovered something you love doing. Think about your potential if you do something small every day that builds skills in the thing you love doing 💪😊 Comment below something you love doing and are building into a business, or something you would love to explore more. . . . @amandine.van #tashabanky_photography . . #models #browns #iseoulu, #visitskorea #visit_korea #koreabyme #seemycity #modelstyle #seoulmodels #modela #photoshootday #seoulfashion #britishphotographyjournal #inspiration_photography #fashionaddict #portrait #fbloggerstyle #portrait_photography #fashionkorea #endlessfaces #endlessface #portraitsofficial #portraitvisuals #portraitmood #stylefiles #ihwamuralvillage

A post shared by 🇬🇧Tasha Banky (@tashabanky_photography) on Mar 24, 2019 at 9:24pm PDT

Thurs. April 11^th, 2019

Today, I feel good because that crazy tap which decided to keep running this morning and the blocked sink and shower drains are finally fixed. A kind Korean guy helped me by [alerting] the landlord […] and [the landlord] sent the plumber really quickly. I wish Korean hair catchers were more effective and I could prevent hair going down in the first place!

I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to record a music video with Wesley and Sunil on Saturday 20^th. I’m excited to take all the footage and get creative.

Fri. April 12^th, 2019

I did my forgiveness practice. I thought about the [emotional] pain caused by * and *, and thought about what they [must have] experienced in their childhoods to have projected that toward me. The criticism and hurtful words. […] I didn’t realize it at the time.

[aunty] *’s explosive reactions – I took that behavior on. […] As a child or teenager, I took on the lashing out as a way to get my voice heard. I was just so angry in general. […] the pain I had from not feeling good enough. Because of [my pimples], my lack of boobs. [as a teenager] others pointed it out and I allowed myself to feel humiliated. … No confidence to take on a cool subject like media studies.

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For many years, I've been running away from something. At first, I left England and headed to Canada for a fresh beginning. Later, I left my partner, and I left jobs with deep feelings of not feeling fulfilled. Studying my degree gave me incredible feelings of accomplishment, but when my degree was completed, I once again needed another challenge. What my degree had given me was a deeper feeling of self validation. But what next? Find the next big challenge to continue validating myself daily? That's definitely part of the reason why I've scaled up my videography for my YouTube channel. But I'm also working on a second approach. You see, the thing I was actually running away from is me. And after hearing David Goggins talk about picking away at the scabs or pain, the scars and baggage we lug around from place to place, and relationship to relationship, I've finally decided to work on those buried memories. The feelings of inadequacy that are at the root of why I react in ways that don't make me proud of myself. These sessions are not easy. I did one the other day, recalling being teased at school as a young teenager. But I have to keep digging away, because the alternative is to lash out and be defensive every time something in my current life triggers some buried childhood memory. And I'm way better than that. This is in response to #melrobbins coffee talk published today. Thx, Mel. . . . 📷@jm_lovephotography #travelandtash . . #focusonyourself #strengthquotes #mindsetiseverything #thinkbig #achieveyourdreams #moneygram #wealthmindset #wealthylife #wealthcreation #positivenergy #positivequote #positivevibes #lawofattractionquotes #entrepreneurquote #entrepreneurmind #spiritualentrepreneur #entrepreneurtip #hustleandheart #hustlelife #sidehustle #hustlegang #womenentrepreneursunite #ladypreneur #goalgetter #findyourwhy

A post shared by Tasha Fernandez (@travelandtash) on Apr 18, 2019 at 7:14am PDT

Even though sometimes I don’t feel like doing my morning routine (like this morning), I do it anyway because It’s become a habit. […] Even more than consistently being productive, […] I don’t let myself feel down.

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No one ever said expat life abroad was easy. But with time and experience, it does get easier. When travel ✈ is the thing that brings a twinkle to your eye, you just can't stop. 👣 Do more of what you ♥ love. CLICK the link ▶in thr bio for the longer video. #travelandtash #livingabroad #yangjaecheon #femaletraveler #femaletravelbloggers #instatraveller #meettheworld #mytravelstory #travelforlife #asiatravel #exploreasia #wandergram #passportlife #neverstoptravelling #dametraveller #travelshots #iamatraveller #travelinggirl #globetrotting #girlsjustwannatravel #traveltheglobe #theworldawaits #expatwomen #expatliving #expatblogger #bloggersinkorea #visitskorea #visit_korea #koreabyme #seemycity

A post shared by Tasha Fernandez (@travelandtash) on Apr 26, 2019 at 7:08am PDT

Sun. April 14^th, 2019

[I need to] pick away [at] and understand the scarring effect left by my relationships with * and *. My fears of infidelity and emotional manipulation. I want to love a man. I can sense that I’m getting ready to love someone again, but my scars are still here. I need to delve into the pain of my past, understand what happened and forgive […]. My [figurative] backpack of mierda (sh*t) needs to be way lighter.

Tues. April 16^th, 2019

I awoke late. Had some major sexy thoughts about *. I have a crush on him. My body is also going nuts.

Wed. April 17^th, 2019

My brain is working to figure out possibilities to attend the Saturday shoot. It’s not only Mikael’s last shoot, but Yasir’s birthday. I’d really like to be there.

Thurs. April 18^th, 2019

I think I disappointed Wesley by deferring our Saturday shoot. He couldn’t move it to Sunday, so we’ll shoot the following Saturday [I rescheduled our April 20th video recording day for Calling to Seattle].

Sun. April 21st

I need to review every little shitty thing that *[ex] did to me and forgive him. Why did I tolerate it? I tied up my self-worth with retaining his interest in me, which was impossible because he hated himself. […] he probably despised me for actually loving him. […] The day I broke up with him and released myself from all those expectations was one of the best days of my year.

Wed. April 24^th, 2019

I slept well. Meditated before bed, and felt so proud of my most recent video of the cherry blossoms. I did a great job! I feel so good about myself when I complete projects that I enjoy.

Fri. April 26^th, 2019

Today, I feel great because I feel calm and so excited about my future. I feel confident in my ability to become a calm, thoughtful person because I have a fertile mind. I really like how Deepak Chopra described the mind as fertile. With my fertile mind and open heart, I can learn and master YouTubing and videography, and I can have a beautiful, loving relationship with myself.

My not-to-do list: no mindless scrolling through social media today.

What might throw me off: feeling overwhelmed by [many] children seeking my attention [at the same time]. Action: go sit in the staff room alone and meditate.

I’m so grateful I have a good income and I could afford to buy a top a couple of days ago. I haven’t bought anything in a while!

Sat. April 27^th,2019

Today, my top result is recording awesome footage with Wesley […]. This project matters because I love creating video.

Mon. 29^th April, 2019

I had an amazing day and evening with *. I’m being really upfront about who I am and I’m actually not trying to be charming or seductive. It feels good.

Tues. 30^th April, 2019

I’ve learned how to rest in meditation. I’ve made a breakthrough on how to calm down. Emily Fletcher’s suggestion about using all five senses and noticing them all at once has been really helpful to help get me out of my brain.

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For the first time ever, I guided four people through a meditation. My four boys, 11-year-old students, two of whom wanted to know how to stop thinking so much before bed and sleep quicker. Here's what I taught them, based on Emily Fletcher's #ziba instructions. Sit comfortable, hands palms up in your lap. Breathe in for two and out for four seconds (brings you into your parasympathetic nervous system). Repeat several times. Breathe normal, and begin to introduce your five sences. Smell, sound, taste, feel, and see. Notice the colour behind your eye lids. The taste in your mouth. Begin to introduce experiencing all five senses at the same time. This exercise has been so powerful for me. I can have a anxious belly or racing mind, and I'm able to calm down in a matter of seconds. My kids enjoyed it too. I'll ask them next time if they have been using it. . . . 📷@bigman318 🍒Earrings @qldl_official 👠Shoes @jodieldavidmoresco #travelandtash . . #focusonyourself #strengthquotes #mindsetiseverything #thinkbig #achieveyourdreams #moneygram #wealthmindset #wealthylife #wealthcreation #positivenergy #positivequote #positivevibes #lawofattractionquotes #entrepreneurquote #entrepreneurmind #spiritualentrepreneur #entrepreneurtip #hustleandheart #hustlelife #sidehustle #hustlegang #womenentrepreneursunite #ladypreneur #goalgetter #findyourwhy

A post shared by Tasha Fernandez (@travelandtash) on May 9, 2019 at 7:23am PDT

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this through. I’m still very much a work in progress, but I hope that by documenting pieces of my journey, one day I can look back at all the tiny steps that one day will produce the person I want to be.

Do you journal? What kinds of things do you include that could be helpful for other people to try out?

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