There are two friends that always listen to me. God, and my journal. I could never possibly recount all the prayers for direction for life decisions, but my journal is a concrete library of my day-to-day thoughts, both the good and the bad.
As I look back over May and remember moments of happiness and despair, I can see clearly what I was allowing to affect how I felt. My journal has not only provided me with an outlet to record the twists and turns of my somewhat chaotic life, but helped me always have a ‘friend’ to talk to, particularly at moments when my closest confidants were unavailable.
So here it is. Abridged of course. Some things are just too personal, and I’ve had to edit these out. But I want to share pieces of my struggles. I feel that you might identify with some of them, and learn that you are not alone as we journey through life at this same moment in time.
I’m including some of my videos and Instagram posts which give visual context, and would love if you could leave a comment below, sharing any struggles you have, or any advice about how I could share my life in a more meaningful way.
Natasha
Thursday May 2nd, 2019
Brenda seemed disappointed when I mentioned extending my stay here. I’m not 100% sure that I’m making the right decision. Perhaps travel in August would kick my butt into gear quick time. I think I’m scared of returning to teaching English within a year and potentially be on a lower wage… and just feel like I’m back where I started.
Sunday May 5th, 2019
Today, my top project is to set up my next video recorded last weekend with Yasir, and Wes and Neil. These projects matter to me because I love editing video! I love presenting my adventures. I’m sure I can get really good at this. I have what it takes to get really far. To make a business from YouTubing and continue to build credit with myself.
Saturday May 11th, 2019
[Context: ex-boyfriend of nearly one year has started attending meetups with my friends].
He broke me. I felt worthless. I was that lonely. That broken down. I allowed myself to be treated despicably. Especially that time that he screamed at me as a cowered in the corner crying. My family didn’t know the details. I hid them. I didn’t want them to hate him. I explained away his behavior in my mind using his traumatic childhood experiences and depression as an excuse [for how he treated me].
Sunday May 12th, 2019
I’m not going to endure [M* ex] inviting himself into my social space. I’ll just leave [the venue]. I need to draw boundaries…
Today, I’m grateful for the chance to get involved with a [model] project. It’s the first time I’m doing something like this, wearing a hanbok [traditional Korean clothing] and maybe being part of a model performance.
Monday May 13th, 2019
I’m grateful for my crazy experience yesterday. That I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by doing runway. That I just went with the flow, and didn’t get worked up by [unorganized] things.
Tuesday May 14th, 2019
Today, I’m grateful for feeling normal again. Having amazing people in my life. My morning routine. My focus on my YouTube projects. My ambitious goals and unrelenting progress.
Thursday May 16th, 2019
Today, I’m grateful for the beautiful gifts from parents and what these gifts represent. I’m grateful for a kind and handsome man in my life. And for good friends. I’m grateful for the sunshine. For the jokes I share with my students. For my serious passion for video and modeling. For my largely good diet and slim figure.
Friday May 17th, 2019
If I want to attend an event, but am worried about unconfirmed ‘commitments’, I’ll just do what I want to do. I nearly missed out on an opportunity to attend the Ayurvedic Clinic with Unity and Dot because of assumptions of pre-made plans. I won’t do that again.
Sunday May 19th, 2019
I’m learning how to accept kindness, like the gift I received from Unity. I feel valued and want to keep creating more value, particularly for women I respect and admire.
My Empowering Habits
- Putting myself in new and unfamiliar situations [strengthening my ability to deal with discomfort]
- Cold spray in the shower [dealing with discomfort]
- Morning routine
- Sharing thoughts on relationships and health [through my FB pages]
- Meditating before bed
- Planning interview questions for videos
- Giving myself creative space to figure out how to record video BRoll
- Giving myself time on Fridays for business development
- Self-love in the mirror practice
- Sunday date afternoons with myself
Disempowering Habits
- Check social updates too often [especially Instagram]
- Spend too much time indoors
- Spend time with friends who don’t inspire me
- Don’t always keep promises to myself
- Eating ramyun spicy noodles which irritates my gut
- Saying ‘yes’ to shitty sugar snacks like donuts or cakes
- Often work beyond 11pm at night
- Spend too long editing videos
- Reject a compliment and undervalue myself
- Don’t reflect on what my goal is for each video I produce
Wednesday 22nd May, 2019
I feel a little down. I’m gonna tidy and clean tonight to feel better and more organized. I could be tired from doing too many edits [for my upcoming video].
I received a lovely message from Y*. He called me, ‘Natasha darling,’ and that he wanted to message me last night at 2am, but it was too late. I replied that he can message me anytime. I love getting his messages.
Friday May 24th, 2019 (Birthday)
Today, my top priority is self-love practice in the mirror. Reestablish how amazing I am. I feel down and I have to change my energy. I have to release [negative] feelings.
Saturday May 25th, 2019
I think dating can take up a lot of energy. Especially because I’m sensitive and am working though issues of not ‘being good enough.’ Residue baggage from past relationships linger.
I’m grateful for the beautiful note from [my student] Elly, yesterday. She gave me [birthday] flowers and said that the best part of class was receiving a hug from me. I love that child.
Sunday May 26th, 2019
I feel amazing. Slept well, had a beautiful day with friends, got plenty of vitamin D [sun rays] and fresh air yesterday. I had a lovely conversation with Y* before bed. I have a pink rose here on my table. I feel loved and valued by my friends. I have a really good life.
I’m grateful for the feelings of happiness in my brain, and my body’s peaceful state. That I know about the health benefits of the sun and its emotional effect on happiness and health.
Giving advice to S* helps me take stock of what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, and how to create a special one myself. To take responsibility for my own happiness, select words carefully, and change habits that don’t serve me.
What I Do When Stressed
The Bad
- Work really late
- Breath shallow/ hard to focus
- Don’t eat enough
- Feel defensive
- React to others rashly and can be snappy
The Good
- Pray
- Leave (go to a quiet place to think)
- Write in my journal to work things out in my mind
- Explain to the other person what I need
- Ask, ‘what else could this mean?’
What Causes Me Stress, and Potential Solutions
- Family illness or relationship break-up/ maintain close friendships
- Lady time of month means hormones make me feel hyper sensitive to everything/ journal & meet good friends/ skype with my sister
- I have to make an important decision/ make a pros & cons list
- I feel unvalued by a friend or lover/ express how I feel in clear, concise way
- Behind schedule on video edits/ [set up video on Sunday night to reduce work load]
- I’m indoors too much and need vitamin D from the sun/ [schedule outdoors café time]
- Running late for an appointment/ plan to arrive early
- Slept really badly/ sleep in and continue morning routine
- No down time between classes (6-hour teaching marathon)/ plan to escape no matter what for 10-15 minutes
Tuesday July 28th, 2019
Forgiveness Tuesdays
I forgive you, Natasha, for entering an emotionally abusive relationship [1.5 years ago]. You were looking for connection. To feel valued. You had a poor support network. Few friends. You didn’t identify [this relationships] as abusive.
I feel directionless. Unfocused. Restless. What do I really want from my future? Am I making the right decision to stay in Korea 12 more months?
Who I Want to Be
Someone who…
- Controls reactions and doesn’t jump to conclusions
- Talks about struggles and shares stories
- Business owner
- Hears the ‘music’ and not the ‘noise’
- Loving, supportive, sexy, lover
- Italian speaker
- International traveler
- Doesn’t look for validation from a partner but only from myself
- Doesn’t look for ways to be disappointed
- Talented videographer, interviewer and editor
- Not impacted by the small shit
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this through. I’m still very much a work in progress, but I hope that by documenting pieces of my journey, one day I can look back at all the tiny steps that one day will produce the person I want to be.
Tasha is author of Keto Brunches and Attract and Retain a Fulfilling Relationship.
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Cover photo by bryanwphoto
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Awesome post! Keep up the great work! 🙂