I’m on a crazy quest to discover who I am, and what my values are. I’ve avoided studying myself for too long, and the result has been lots of repeated mistakes, lack of self-growth or attempts to become a better person, and stagnation with my career and life goals. So among other things, I began journaling. I hope that as I take action toward my goals and continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone, that my life will continue to just get better one day at a time. Here are my private thoughts as I put myself through this journey.
Sun. Mar. 3rd, 2019
Today, I’m grateful for my increased confidence. I invited myself into a conversation between designers and photographers which I would not have felt confident doing in the past. I was interviewed for Scott’s video, and was mistaken [twice] for being part of the host [Kontrast] crew. According to Honey, I seemed so confident easily chatting with new people. And she was right. Something in me has changed. I’ve decided that I can be comfortable even when I don’t know anyone.
Sun, Mar. 10th, 2019
Notice this week my moods. What do I allow to make me feel down or feel happy?
Down:
- I interpret a comment as criticism; my ego is bruised; the comment is a trigger that ‘I’m not good enough’. *Repeat a counter mantra [or ask, what else could this mean?]
- I focus on things that annoy me, like strangers spitting near me, or there being too many people around me and I feel claustrophobic. *change my focus.
Happy:
- Hanging out at networking events and challenging myself [to be social]
- Mentoring friends and offering advice
- Dancing to super uplifting music
- Travel, and seeing new places
Monday Mar. 11th, 2019
I feel good because I did three awesome things yesterday. I did not go home early just because my friend did. I stayed at Gwangjang Market and even ate dinner there, joining a group of strangers. I didn’t allow myself to get frustrated or angry because my friend was late, and I kept my mindset in a good place. I also figured out what to do next time I find myself in a confrontational situation, and how to avoid getting confrontational.
Tues. Mar. 12th, 2019
I feel blah because I feel indifferent and haven shaken myself out of it. I spent time scrolling through Instagram last night. I feel that it’s a huge waste of my time, and doesn’t go with my idea of who I am. I’m disappointed with myself.
I’ve realized that I need at least one rest day [per week]. I have to take it easy for at least half a day on one weekend day.
I’M PROUD OF MYSELF FOR…
- Tearing myself away from social media this evening
- Doing stretches to help [the tightness] in my right arm/shoulder area
- Joining strangers to dine on Sunday and just doing what I felt like doing
- Reaching out to photographers to do work
- Forgiving myself for letting * treat me as disposable
- Not being more ambitious and not having a really highly paid job at this stage of my life
- Giving * a dirty look the other day, and catching my emotional reaction later than I would have liked
I PROMISE MYSELF THAT…
- I won’t let go of my long-term entrepreneurial goals
- I’ll continue to [publish to] YouTube and create passive income no matter what
- In 2021, I’ll be in Italy, house-sitting or renting, and working from there [for two months]
Wed. Mar. 13th, 2019
Dear Diary,
I want to establish an agenda for my modeling other than just supporting my travelandtash mindset posts. I want to model in India when I go there. I want to meet other YouTubers abroad.
I’m ready to remove my mind blocks about money. To believe deeply that I am enough, [that] I deserve to earn $10K per month. I deserve to build the skills that will pay me well.
I have always been enough. I am strong and sensitive. Kind and loving. Adventurous and sexy. [And] confident and smart.
Thurs. 14th Mar. 2019
I am removing all money blocks. I deserve money. Money comes to me easily. I attract money all the time. I’m worth lots of money. Money is good. I deserve abundance. I deserve the freedom money can buy. I create money quickly and easily. I am good enough. I love money and money loves me. I spend money and enjoy spending money on myself.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF
To stay focused, I have to journal. If I spend too much time indoors, I feel down. I have to get out into nature. If I notice that I feel stressed when I’m stressed and I make some adjustment, I feel way better. When I don’t look for validation from others, and seek it within myself, I feel calmer and more fulfilled.
I seriously value my time, and to avoid getting bitter about giving it away to meet other people’s expectations, I have to get comfortable saying ‘no’. Scrolling through social media without any intention negatively affects my mood. Gratitude journaling and music/dance help make me feel incredibly happy.
I can be happy being single. If I don’t tell my boss about what it took to complete projects, [my efforts will] go unrecognized. I still have the strength to walk away from unhealthy relationships. I have money blocks I have to remove. I sleep well with a hot water bottle. My consistent [sleep time and skincare] routine has likely lead to my youthful looks. I value freedom of choice, honesty with myself and others, consideration for others, drive, and ambition. I don’t enjoy wasting my time drinking and listening to complaints and despair.
Fri. 22nd Mar., 2019
Today, my top result is to create a mini video about Gwangjiang market. This project matters because I love making videos and editing. In five months, I’ll be traveling and recording videos full time… Meanwhile, I’m building an audience and improving my skills. My online business will be my brand and company. My baby to nurture. Something entirely for me. I care enough about myself to invest in mastering something I love doing… I deserve to give myself one year to seriously master YouTubing while learning about me and what I love to do…
Tues. Mar. 26th 2019
I love showcasing the [amateur] model community here in Seoul… I interviewed Shanny about her design on Saturday and the video came out really well. I did it naturally and didn’t give my interviewee a change to get nervous. The small camera helps too.
* said to me that they felt that everyone looked so amazing when we initially arrived at the DDP and said something like they don’t feel so confident. When I replied that everyone looked great, but so do we, that we are all special and it’s unhealthy to compare ourselves, * replied that if they avoid comparing themselves, that they would be faking. [But I felt with me that] I did feel confident, even in a sea of beautiful, exhibitionist people. That I am really able to appreciate myself… I love this new way of thinking.
I feel tired. Like I just need to do my thing this weekend. Attending Sol’s exhibit for sure, but not committing to anything else… this weekend will be about me… I will go on a date with myself on Sunday.
I received a great message from * after posting a personal post about my struggle with feeling like I’m good enough. He said he relates and that I’m not alone. That was really cool to receive that message.
Fri. 29th Mar., 2019
I don’t enjoy being around [my student] children six hours per day. I feel that to just feel normal, I need to get away from the children to ground myself and recalibrate. It’s tricky cause there’s nowhere to go to have a time-out. The streets are often packed with cars. I need to find some corner. Some quiet place.
This evening, * told me he loved me via text message. He also told me that he was in an unhappy marriage… I feel sad for him. That he’s spending his life with someone he doesn’t love, probably because all their crap is tied together. It sounds to me like he is deeply embedded and scared to leave. God I’m glad I left Matthew when I did. I remember thinking, the longer I stay, the harder it gets to leave. My life [today] would be soooooooooo different if I were still with him. I’d probably feel so miserable and unfulfilled, and I would have missed so many experiences… I’d never trade that life for what I have today. Never! I value my life bigtime, my experiences, that only get more exciting and challenging. I’m so proud of myself!
Sat. Mar. 30th, 2019
Dear Diary,
Today, I did a longer interview with Sol. I had trouble focusing because it was after 10pm, and I was tired and hungry. Next time, I’ll practice my questions more, and interview way before 10pm. I was assertive, and asked people to leave the room [to give us a quiet few minutes], and kicked an interrupter out halfway through the interview. I interviewed with Wesley and Honey present [a situation which anxious Tasha would not have been comfortable with months ago]. Overall and considering everything, I did a pretty great job!
Sun. Mar. 31st, 2019
WHAT MOTIVATED ME IN THE PAST
- Validation from others; people tell me that I am smart, beautiful, enough.
- That I feel loved, valued, desired; accepted by friends.
- Adventure, new experiences, and meeting new people.
WHAT MOTIVATES ME NOW
- Traveling the world, meeting new people, and working for myself
- Sharing learned lessons and stories through social media
- Mentoring/helping friends with business ideas, organizing events, and promoting my friend
Thank you so much for reading this article. I hope that by sharing my thoughts, you will also consider writing a journal. Let me know how you get on!
-Tasha
Tasha is author of Keto Brunches and Attract and Retain a Fulfilling Relationship.
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