Have you ever asked yourself, “How did I end up in a relationship with this person?” Perhaps you felt unhappy, unfulfilled, and you didn’t leave the relationship because it was too complicated to walk away from, or you had a comfortable life style and you didn’t want to disrupt that. As a result, you continued to stay in that unhappy relationship for much longer that you should have?
See the video version below
But let’s take a step back. How did you get into that situation in the first place? In January 2018, I published a book on relationships called, Relationships: 18 Principles to Attract and Retain a Fulfilling Relationship. In principle 2, I discuss how to identify what we need in a partner. Here, I would like to elaborate on this discussion as I think it’s a very important one.
The problem with identifying someone that is healthy for you sometimes starts with absorbing external ideas. Ideas about the type of person we are looking for may originate from movies and TV series which reflect fantasies of storytellers and script writers, but do these reflect what we actually desire personally? When we take these fantasy ideas and impose these expectations on ourselves and on our partners, we thereby create a very unhealthy cycle of expectations and disappointment.
So how can we break this cycle to make decisions that meet what we really need? The first step I recommend in Relationships: 18 Principles to Attract and Retain a Fulfilling Relationship is to identify the values and characteristics of the person that you think would make a valuable addition to your life.
Without having a clear picture of who you want, how can you find a person who will compliment you well? One way to start this process is by reflecting on past relationships, and think about what these have taught you about yourself. What were the things you liked about those people, and what were the ongoing, irreconcilable struggles that eventually brought the relationship to an end?
Notice what actions and forms communication you love, and what actions and forms of communication you cannot tolerate. For those of us who are single, this is a great opportunity to understand ourselves better, and make some good decisions when getting to know prospective partners.
For those of us in relationships who intend to stay with our partners but feel that many of our needs are not being met, perhaps a tactful and open discussion is needed. I recommend seeking out advice, like the kind offered in my book and others like Gary Chapmans’ The 5 Love Languages, to better equip ourselves to have the outcome we desire.
Thank you for reading this article. See the accompanying video here
Download my book, Relationships: 18 Principles to Attract and Retain a Fulfilling Relationship here
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Other articles by Tasha:
8 Steps to Making Achievable Goals
A Path to Empowerment: My Morning Routine
Hmm this was an interesting read, I’ve never really thought that concisely about everything I want from a partner while I was single
I believe that communication is the key, let your partner know what you want and need in life. I also think that having the same goals will make the relationship work. Congratulations on your new book!
An insightful post, Tasha. I went through several relationships which had me feeling frustrated and like I would never find the right one. I went into each one pursuing things in the other person that I thought I wanted, but soon found that they lacked what I needed.
By asking questions like the ones you outline in this blog post (e.g. “How did I get here?”) I was able to learn a lot about myself and what kind of person I needed to be happy. Luckily for me, I found her! And we’ve now been married for 1 year 🙂
Healthy and fruitful communication is key in a relationship, take it from someone who has been married for almost 9 years. Also respect, honesty and staying playful (the last one is open for your personal elaboration!). Congrats on your new book and good luck with it!
I think communication really is so important. A lot of people are desperate to be in a relationship and will just say what they think that person wants to hear to make it happen. My husband and I were really close friends before we started dating and I think that’s why we work well together. We weren’t trying to put on our “dating face” when we were together. We knew each other really well and could be a little relaxed. Best friends with good chemistry is my ideal romantic situation.
I’ve only had two relationships, both short-lived in my early-to-mid twenties. I knew they were unhealthy, but I was too afraid to end them because what-if-this, what-if-that…
I’ve been in the same position. I think most of us have. Sounds like you ended them anyway. Thanks for your comment, Sean.
Oh my, I feel old, hahaha. I’m married for 12 years to the man who was my boyfriend for 8.5 years. That’s 21 years with my husband of my 41-year-old life:-)… I didn’t have guidelines on how to find the right partner but he made me laugh the first time I met him and he still makes me and our sons laugh to this day. My sons think he is a joke machine.
But. it’s nice to read these kinds of articles from you, Tasha. You are aware of what you want and the things you need to do to get what you want.
I remember this line from a film, I don’t know who I want but I definitely know who I don’t want.” I want to know who I want so I don’t keep falling for the wrong guy. Congrats on the new book! Following you on insta (@iartseoul) as I definitely want the secret to finding the right partner.
Everyone needs to re evaluate once in a while.. how ever much you may think you have a wonderful relationship, if you don’t look after it.. it can also break down! ❤️
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Thanks for your comment, Viv. Yes, I definitely agree. Regular investment and care, and showing it, is key to making our partners feel valued and maintaining that sexy and loving spark.