If asked, which partner would you prefer, one who takes themselves very seriously and never cracks a joke or smiles when you do, or someone who makes you smile, despite difficult circumstances? The answer seems obvious.
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Although we often associate keeping our romantic relationship vibrant with large, sweeping actions like figuring out how to communicate well, and learning what both our needs are, sometimes the secret to happy relationships is actually something as simple as laughing together.
I published a book in January 2018, “Relationships, 18 Principles to Attract and Retain a Fulfilling Relationship,” and in it, I discuss critical principles, including the importance of laughter. Principle 13, Using Laughter to Enrich Connection, presents the concept that humans use jokes and laughter subconsciously to communicate thoughts and produce positive interactions. Communication through jokes and laughter enhances communication, and results in both partners feeling happier. Indeed, smiling alone, even if done purposefully, can make us feel happier because the muscles send signals to our brain, tricking the brain into believing that we feel good and producing positive feelings.
If we can actually manipulate our brains into feeling happy just by moving muscles in our faces, we can change negative interactions with others into positive ones. While experiencing challenging conversations with our partners, try using laughter to downregulate tension during a negative interaction. I don’t mean smiling antagonistically or being insensitive while discussing an important topic. But using self-awareness and emotional intelligence to understand what triggers are upsetting both yourself and your partner, and finding a more lighthearted way to look at the situation together, rather than as separate battleships screaming to be heard and understood.
Using laughter to downregulate escalating confrontations checks the negative interaction, reinforces your self-awareness and ability to respond rather than react, giving you needed control over your mind and actions. It will improve your communication style, and lastly strengthen your emotional bonds.
I believe this all begins with taking little steps to laugh together. Don’t wait till you encounter a challenging conversation with your partner. In my personal relationship, my partner and I are both quite sarcastic, and we playfully make sarcastic comments consistently. For example, when he was trying to convince me to make us breakfast, I repeatedly asked when he would have breakfast ready, which made us both smile. This back and forth playfulness repeats in different ways often throughout our encounters, with the results that we spend a significant amount of time laughing together. It definitely helps to counterbalance more serious moments, and consistently reinforces our emotional connection.
What little gestures do you do to consistently enrich your relationship?
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Tasha
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We always say good morning and good night. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for three years now, and I think being consistent, (and having some surprises once in a while) enriches our relationship.
I loved this, Tasha, and I absolutely agree with you about the power of smiling and laughing in a relationship.
Another way my wife and I keep our relationship blossoming is with our little “15 seconds” rule. If either of us begins to feel stressed or upset, we have to hug the other person for a solid 15 seconds. May not sound like a lot, but a short hug can go a long way and doing this always turns our mood around 🙂
Hi Eric, I love your 15 second hug rule. It’s simple, but I’m sure that the emotional/physical reaction on the nervous system helps moderate lashing out and words that we later regret. What an awesome strategy. Thanks for sharing.
I like partners who laugh at my little jokes that no one else gets! I think laugher create strong bonds between partners as well as conveys trust and comfort with each other. I definitely miss having someone I can laugh with (soppy, I know! hehe)
Yes, sharing inside jokes I think helps increase intimacy. Thank you so much for sharing.
I totally agree with you! My fiance and I laugh at least once a day. We usually have stupid running jokes that we can adapt to any situation. It connects us and makes us laugh when we’re feeling stressed. Thanks for reminding me 🙂
Knowing that you’re dating a non-native English speaker, Tasha, is a very challenging situation to date in due to the cultural, communicative and linguistic barriers that arise. You mention using sarcasm in your relationship from his and your side and I think its great that his ability allows him to use such an intricate aspect of language. My personal relationship is also full of laughter and ease mostly due to my husband’s nature, which in turn helps me to adapt and feel less serious. I think adapting to each other is key and not being afraid of personal change/improvement is what happy married life (of 9+ years) is all about! haha
Alla, thank you for your comment. That’s awesome that you guys are at your nine years mark. Thanks for explaining that adaption, and room to improve is what makes for a lasting relationship.
Laugh together. My husband and I can attest to that. And my children. That’s one thing we have an abundance of. And it is this laughing at and with each other, that doesn’t make our conflicts escalate. As I mentioned in my other comment in another blog post, it’s been 21 years now:-).
Twenty-one years! That’s bloody awesome! I’m happy to hear that laughing together prevents conflicts from escalating. Thanks, Wendy.
Great information presented it made an impact in my life after reading a few short paragraphs.
Thank you for your comment, Joel. I wasn’t sure if you’re talking about this article that made an impact, or the Relationships book.