Last weekend, I interviewed for Don Macdonell’s documentary series, Everliving Dreams. Don is recording his motivational documentary to help goal-driven viewers who are working toward creating a better future for themselves. He’s featuring people who have faced challenges, including self esteem issues, but are tirelessly working toward goals.
Recording this therapy-like session was harder than I had anticipated. That’s because I’ve focus on other aspects of my life, like getting through university, or fulfilling my job role well rather than understanding myself. Essentially, I’ve avoided my private struggle with self-worth.
On April 7th, I met Don at Mapo-gu Seoul, and together we visited a local photography studio. Three cameras were set up, two in front of me, and one to my right.
Before starting, Don assured me that he would not feature anything that I was uncomfortable with. And thus begun my first ‘therapy’ session and interview. Don began by asking me about a time-line of life events, beginning from childhood. He wanted to identify particular mile stones that had a significant impact on me to see how these have affected my life decisions. I want to share some of our interview here.
I began talking about childhood, my young parents, and struggles I had with comparisons made between my sister and me. We discussed how my extended family always talked about how beautiful we were, and indeed continue to do so. But we sisters were often compared. The women in my family often asked me directly, “Who is more beautiful, you or your sister?”
As a teenager, I began to develop deep insecurities about my appearance. I wore thick glasses, developed acne and had a flat chest. Additionally, because my mother had home-schooled me from age eight to twelve, I lacked social skills and didn’t know how to engage with kids my own age. When I returned to school at age thirteen, children teased me, and my self-confidence dwindled substantially.
I became somewhat withdrawn, and at age sixteen, I was prescribed as having depression. Meanwhile, my sister blossomed. She was becoming more confident day by day. I compared myself to her. She took modeling photos with my aunty, and I began to feel jealous. I loved my sister dearly, but I couldn’t understand why felt so ugly.
I tried skincare products to help with acne. I underwent Lasik eye surgery to correct my eyesight. I even considered breast implants. I worked in fashion retail, learned how to dress, and later learned skills as a beauty therapist and make-up artist. By my mid twenties, I changed my look, and even began to get involved in casual modeling with local photographers. I felt the need to prove that I was beautiful to myself.
At age twenty-nine, I began a university degree thanks to the encouragement of my boyfriend at that time. There, I began to discover that I could receive validation and a sense of significance by doing well at school. I pushed myself to aim for A grades, and discovered a talent for writing. I was praised by one of my Roman History teachers in front of the whole class, and felt like I was walking on cloud nine. I had discovered a new way to be accepted and develop self-worth other than always proving that I’m pretty. It felt liberating.
Today, I still seek acceptance. I still feel the need to prove that I’m worthy of acceptance, but I’m slowly learning how to love myself, and replacing this need for validation from others with making progress toward goals and telling my story. These give me a sense of self-worth and purpose.
It’s a slow process, but as I work toward my goals, I feel stronger and more in control of my future. That I can feel loved because I use my communication skills to share information that helps others.
Over the last year, I have used my existing blogsite to create meaningful articles. I began a YouTube channel in early 2018 and have been regularly sharing my personal struggles, my projects, and goals. Finally, I wrote my first book on Relationships and self-published in January. I’m currently working on my second book, and planning a third.
In the interview, Don asked, ‘how do you deal with overcoming your insecurity?’ I replied, I often turn to the support of my friends and family, and also prayer. Having someone to really listen to my struggles helps so much. I also journal to understand myself better. And having a focus, working on a project that I feel passionate about, helps me build a sense of worth that goes beyond receiving validation for physical beauty.
I have a lot more to contribute to Don’s project, and intend to resume recording soon. This is the beginning of my journey of self-discovery and self-creation.
Have you struggled with self-esteem and confidence issues or know someone who has? What have you done to strengthen yourself or help others?
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Other articles by Tasha
8 Steps to Making Achievable Goals
Manipulation, Heartbreak, and Recovery: My Story
This was really awesome to read! I definitely think that we tend to criticize ourselves more than others criticize us. While that’s good for pushing yourself to become a better version of yourself, it’s also our downfall since we say cruel and hurtful things to ourselves that we’d never say to our close friends and family.
I’d say we’re on a constant road to self-discovery and self- improvement no matter what. And finding peace with yourself and your insecurities comes with time as you grow into yourself and discover the things you love to do and surround yourself with.
Thank you, Prachi. Yes, I agree. And self criticism is one thing I’m seriously working on addressing at the moment. Thank you for your comment.
This is a particularly moving piece for me as I have dealt with issues of insecurities and lack of self esteem so it is really empowering to read how you are working towards overcoming your struggles. Thank you for sharing your personal experience.
Thank you for your comment, I Art Seoul.
I believe that in order to find validation, people frequently turn to Social Media posting about themselves or their achievements. What you’re doing on your own time (like writing reflectively in a journal) is probably a lot more useful and beneficial than any validation you’ll ever get/will feel from SNS. Good luck with your personal journey and I hope Don’s documentary can help you and others!
Awesome. Thanks for your encouragement, Alla.
Wow! This is a great venue for you to be sharing your inspiring journey… keep it up and we’ll be cheering for you. one thing caught my attention. the homeschooling… a friend once convinced me to homeschool my children because of her frustration with the educational system. I strongly felt it wasn’t for my family’s lifestyle and direction. your revelation validates my decision.
Wendy, thank you for your comment. My mother felt very strongly about homeschooling at the time. It was a trend with her friends, and she was angry at the way a child had treated me at the time, but at that age, it proved a real challenge to get back to normal school life as a young teenager.
Congratulations on overcoming your insecurities. I’m a fan of your inspirational articles in your blog as well as your Youtube Channel. Keep it up!
Thank you, Karla. I’m glad to hear you like the YouTube channel too. I’m still working on the insecurities. I find it helps to talk about them.
Comparing to others is really hard not to do . I feel that there is so much pressure on us to do this and do that or to be successful. However, there is always someone better than us at whatever that is, and it’s hard not to look at them and say ‘I wish I was them’. But in the end, everyone is a unique and special person, and everyone can provide something that others can’t. We just have to try our best to be happy with ourselves.
Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing, it was very interesting to read and can’t have been easy to share.
Thanks, Ethan. Actually, recording the interview with Don was much harder than writing this article. At least here, I could more carefully decide what part of the interview to focus on.
It’s hard to hear those things Tash as it’s upsetting how others comments made you feel & I’m sure it’s hard to address or relive..
But it’s better to address them, acknowledge how you got to feeling that way, to be able to move forward!
Well done for sharing 💋💋💋
Definitely, Viv. It’s liberating to understand why those feelings of low self worth were there in the first place. Like you said, so that at least I can accept them and move on and allow myself to create self confidence.
Beautiful, Tasha.
It was great having you join for the interview, can’t wait for next time. I love the reflection on our interview and your thoughts.
Thank you, Don. I’m pleased I had the chance to show you our recording experience from my perspective. I admire your project.