Are you thinking about finding your soul mate, someone you are incredibly attracted to, and someone you could share your highs and lows with? If you’re single, now is the perfect time to learn about who you are, and what you want. And the best time to do that is before you enter a relationship.
I recently published, Relationships: 18 Principles to Attract and Retain a Fulfilling Relationship. I recommend in principles 2 and 3 to identify characteristics of a partner that we would like to attract into our lives. But since we attract who we are, if we’re insecure, controlling, and criticize ourselves about our pasts, chances are we will attract someone with similar struggles.
See the video version here
To move into a positive emotional space to attract someone desirable into our life, we have to accept our past, and allow ourselves to grow. Distracting ourselves with work, school, or mediocre relationships does not fix our deep insecurities. That’s precisely what I had done for almost two decades. I used university, my job, travel, and compulsive shopping habits to ignore pain I carried around since my teenage years. But I’ve discovered that only I can address my issues, and if I don’t, they resurface in my intimate relationships The trick is to heal before we attract a partner into our space.
I will discuss 4 ways to increase self-awareness by beginning to learn about ourselves. I’m personally working on learning about myself, so here, I share my private discoveries as I go through this process.
One: Learn Your Core Values
In response to Evan Carmichael (see his YouTube channel here), I identified my core values by noticing what qualities I admire in my friends. I wrote down 5 qualities I really admire in my top 5 friends, and similarly, I wrote down 5 qualities I hate as found in the top 5 people I dislike. I also wrote down my 5 greatest successes in life, brainstorming the 5 events and then writing 5 paragraphs about these events and why I feel proud of them.
Looking at both the 5 qualities I love in my closest friends, as well as my 5 greatest successes, I discovered that my greatest value is courage. I also discovered that fear is my emotional scar, my trigger. Fear of not being good enough, of not being loved. These fears have manifested as insecurities in my relationship and resulted in my constantly trying to prove myself. Perhaps courage is my core value because it confronts my deepest trigger, fear. Perseverance and sincerity follow closely as primary core values.
Two: Identify Your Beliefs
Beliefs show how we understand and interpret the world around us, and these either empower us or cripple us in our ability to believe in ourselves, avoid self-sabotage, and pursue our goals.
I discovered some of my beliefs through a combination of looking at belief examples on Pinterest, as well as by listening to Tony Robbins seminars on YouTube. Here are some of my values:
- Whatever you look for, you will find.
- Treat others how you want to be treated.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- If I’m committed, there’s always a way to make it work.
- In communication, response or reactions come from either a place of pain or love.
These fundamental beliefs are dear to me. Someone I chose to date needs to have similar beliefs and interpretations about how the universe works. I really believe that we are responsible for the lives we create. And our ability to understand human needs, and human reactions seriously empower us to produce more fulfilling interactions with others.
Three: Identify Your Qualities
In order to be 100% honest about who we think we are, we need to identify what we value about ourselves. In my case, I pictured presenting a CV to explain to someone else who I am. I looked at Pinterest to identify qualities, and decided which were applicable to me. Straight away, I noticed that I’m not attention-to-detail focused. I’ve known that for a very long time. I’m a ‘big picture’ type of person. Perhaps that explains why my home is never completely tidy, and I get through projects quickly without agonizing over the details. Here is a list of my qualities:
- Not a perfectionist
- Affectionate
- Communicate my needs
- Assertive
- Fun-loving and playful
- Spontaneous
- Trusting and open
- Need encouragement
- Intuitive and aware of feelings, but sometimes also insensitive
- Sense of humour
- Courageous and honest
I’m definitely want to grow and improve, but I value many qualities I already possess. These make me, me. A good partner appreciates these qualities in me, is supportive, and wants to help me grow.
Identify Your Love Language
We need to know what is it that makes us feel loved. Gary Chapman wrote a book called ‘The 5 Love Languages’ which explains that we understand some displays of love, but not others. About a year ago, I identified that my primary love language is physical touch and intimacy, and my secondary love language is communication. For my partner to help me feel loved, he has to show me love principally in these two major ways as these are the most impactful. And I have to be prepared to show him love in the way that he understands and accepts love best.
All that said,
We need to remember that as we go through the journey of life, experience new things, and develop new interests, we change, and so do our perceptions. Our efforts to understand ourselves is an ongoing experience, like a waterfall that is always flowing and creating new paths.
Our perceptions of who we are right now are constructed from the experiences and lessons from our past up until now. We may let memories of pleasure or pain associated with particular activities dictate how we act today. But to create a future, we need to accept that we are not our past.
Our past is part of us, but we don’t have to let it dictate who we are, or let pain from our past prevent us from allowing ourselves to enjoy a healthy relationship.
When we understand ourselves better, and know what we value, we’re in a stronger position to identify a partner who is aligned with our values and beliefs, who would appreciate us for who we are and are who we are becoming.
Create yourself, and become aligned with the person you want to be. In doing so, you’re in a far stronger position to attract a partner who will add value to your life journey.
‘Wise people fashion themselves’ – Buddha
Suggested homework: Write down 5 things you have achieved that make you feel proudest of yourself. Write a short paragraph for each event. Read your paragraphs. Can you identify a value that is particularly important to you? This could be your one word.
*Featured image: Barrie Hunt @bearbytesphotography
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See other articles by Tasha
Improve Your Relationship: One Simple Strategy
8 Steps to Making Achievable Goals
Delhi India in 4.5 days: a Personal Story
Deeply insightful post, Tash. It’s so important that we know who we are before we can expect to find a quality partner. After all, how can we know if someone “completes” us, if we don’t even know who we are. Self-awareness is vital to a successful relationship.
Also, love the Buddha quote. Reminds me of my all time favorite quote, “If you don’t like something about yourself change it, you’re not a tree.”
knowing yourself, being a whole. before sharing yourself to others.
I hope this article helps people understand that physical/sexual attraction or lust are not sole determiners to a successful relationship. To stay together indefinitely, certain beliefs and values must be shared. While its hard to have both partners who are very self aware and open but doing some Suggested Exercises together could definitely foster a curiosity or a passion for the subject and in turn, help to grow/to benefit the relationship.
It is fascinating how we manage to attract similar people, or people with similar beliefs/thoughts/ideals. I have found in the past, that even if I don’t initially realise (when it is mostly small talk), the more I get to know someone in a relationship, the more I often realise they are like me. Even if I had no idea at the start… Almost as if we are subconsciously pulled together. Thank you for the post, I definitely learnt a lot and have a lot to consider.
I am going to watch the video now!
It’s true that a lot of people don’t know what sort of partner they want because they don’t know themselves very well or what they want from a partner. I think that being single gives you time to explore that and get to know yourself– it can be very productive.
But I do think that sometimes people get too caught up in the concept of soul mates. I can’t say that I believe there is one absolutely perfect person for everyone. I think that tricks some people into thinking that it won’t be hard work if you’ve found someone you’re compatible with or that you only have one shot at finding someone to be happy with. I do believe in kindred spirits though– people who you can communicate with well and share values with.
“We attract who we are”… this is very insightful. These reflections you have here are very beautiful and inspiring. Continue helping people with your writings and kudos to you for emerging with positivity after yourteenage years emotional struggles.
Fab Tash ❤️
The part I loved the most was this line!
“A good partner appreciates these qualities in me, is supportive, and wants to help me grow!”
A partner that isn’t happy for you to grow shouldn’t be your partner! As isn’t!!!
I’ve heard the line from friends & family so many times,
“They’ve changed, they aren’t who they were when we first met!”
Who wants to be the exact same person all of their life??? I certainly don’t!
Bigger, better & more beautiful I say!!!